


Miracles don't happen here

by smaragdbird



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-06
Updated: 2012-04-06
Packaged: 2017-11-03 03:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU, "Sebastian and Jim have been dating forever, and cohabit. When Jim's mental health starts to deteriorate, Sebastian gets him the best help he can afford. Jim is diagnosed and prescribed some powerful drugs. Give me a slice-of-life, please. Jim all spaced out and with bad tremors and miserable because he's losing track of time and has had to quit his job as he adjusts to the meds, Sebastian comforting him."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miracles don't happen here

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this](http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/15253.html?thread=83511701#t83511701) prompt for .

Sebastian was woken up by a crash. He was out of bed and walking into the kitchen before he was even aware of it.

Jim was kneeling on the kitchen floor, trying to pick up the shards of two mugs but his hands were shaking so badly that he cut himself.

“Jim, Jim, stop it”, Sebastian made him drop the shards on the floor again.

“I’m sorry,” Jim murmured, “I was only trying to-“

“I know. It’s okay”, Sebastian said before Jim could continue to apologise. He hated it when Jim that, had told him so multiple times. After all it wasn’t Jim’s fault but a side-effect from the meds.

He made Jim sit down on a chair and quickly cleaned up the mess then headed to the bathroom to get the first aid kit to bandage Jim’s hands.

When he came back Jim was on his feet, restlessly pacing through the room, his bloody hands still shaking.

Sebastian made him sit down again, trying to see whether Jim had gotten any shards stuck in his palms. The light wasn’t ideal but another side effect was a severe light sensitivity, so the curtains in their flat were drawn all the time.

“I’m sorry”, Jim said again. Sebastian gritted his teeth and continued to patch him up.

“Did you take your meds?”

“I did.”

Sebastian studied him closely. Jim had lied about that before and Sebastian didn’t care for a repeat but normally Jim couldn’t meet his eyes when he lied and he didn’t do it today. “Good. Did you sleep?”

“I guess”, Jim didn’t sound sure but that was normal by now as well.

“Don’t fight it when you get tired later”, he said automatically.

“I never do”, Jim replied.

“I know”, Sebastian answered and kissed him. “Your brother said he would come by today to keep you company while I’m gone.”

Jim made a face which made Sebastian smile. “I know, I know. Just try to ignore him.” He kissed Jim again. “What were you doing here anyway?”

“I wanted to make you breakfast”, Jim replied, looking slightly guilty.

“If you say I’m sorry again I will let your brother have a key to this flat”, Sebastian threatened mildly. “You’re hungry?”

Jim shook his head, “it was for you, not for me. I ate some crisps earlier.”

“Something else then? We still have some apples left-“but Jim was already shaking his head again.

“I’m not hungry.”

Sebastian sighed. The doctor had told them that the appetite loss would usually abate after some time but Jim had already lost more weighed than Sebastian was comfortable with and showed no signs of regaining his appetite.

//////

When he came back to days later he saw that Jim was asleep on the couch before James hustled him into the kitchen with a determined look on his face.

“We need to talk.”

“Did he eat?” Sebastian asked first.

“Not much, mostly crisps and apples. He was asleep most of the time.”

“Good”, Jim eating something else besides crisps was a good sign.

“Look, I’m grateful what you’re doing for my brother but you should think about getting him into a clinic.”

“No,” Sebastian said immediately. “He’s getting better.”

“Better? Because he’s sleeping instead of being catatonic?”

“That’s the side-effect from the meds”, he answered defensively, “Being in a clinic wouldn’t change that.”

“If money’s the issue I could help-“

“Forget it,” Sebastian said sharply. “I don’t know what you expect. There’s no miracle cure for mental illness. You haven’t been here the past months but I have and I tell you he’s getting better.” He nearly growled the last part. So what if James was Jim’s brother? He was Jim’s partner and no one would take him away.

“He attacked you, Sebastian! You won’t always be there to take the brunt when Jim decides that he can live without the meds.”

“I will always be there!” Sebastian yelled at him. “Always.”

“Jim agrees with me.” James tried a different tactic.

“He what?”

“I talked to him and he thinks it’s the best option, too.”

“No”, Sebastian didn’t believe a single word of what James was telling him.

“So you’re not going to respect his wishes because they go against what you want?”

“I respect Jim’s wishes. What I won’t respect is you brainwashing him. He’s ill and he’s vulnerable and I won’t let you take advantage of that.” Sebastian crossed his arms over his chest. “You should leave. I’ll tell Jim you said goodbye.”

James left without another word.

“He’s right, you know.” Jim said softly startling Sebastian who had still been glaring at the closed door. “Locking me away would make everything so much easier-“

“Jim-“

“-and I wouldn’t be ruining your life-“

“You’re not.”

“-your career, your friendships and everything else anymore.”

“That’s not true,”

“How many jobs have you not taken because it would mean being away for more than a couple hours?”

“Shut up, Jim. Self-pity doesn’t suit you.”

“Self pity?” Jim hissed angrily.

“You’re Jim Moriarty, are you just going to give up? That doesn’t sound like the man I fell in love with.”

“That man is insane, remember?”

“So was he when I first met him. Didn’t stop me back then, did it?” He shouted. It felt good to shout at Jim and to have him hiss right back after weeks and weeks of indifference and med induced catatonia. He grabbed Jim by the arm and pulled him close.

“I’m not giving up on you, not now, not ever. So don’t think you can make me.”

The tension bled out of Jim and he slumped against Sebastian, burying his face in his chest.

“You’d think an ex-soldier is better at following orders”, he muttered.

“Yeah, no”, Sebastian laughed, “that’s why they discharged me, remember?” He wrapped both arms around Jim, holding him close.

//////

“I had plans”, Jim told his therapist once. “I was nearly done with my PhD. Sebastian had a job offer from a more prestigious private security firm. We talked about getting a bigger flat, maybe a cat as well. I wanted to ask him to marry me as soon as I had my degree. But it’s like they say, isn’t it? When you make plans, God laughs.”

“You are making progress”, his therapist answered. “Maybe you should think about realising those plans despite your illness.”

But Jim shook his head. “Nothing makes sense in my head when I’m on the meds. I tried to do without them but I guess it doesn’t work like that. I’m not John Nash. He got his degree at least before going mad. And Sebastian won’t take the new job now. He barely takes any jobs that have him gone for more than one day and the new one would have meant lots of overseas work.”

“What about your last one?”

“I’m not going to tie him to me. The way it’s now he can walk away any time he wants to. I wouldn’t blame him. I attacked him once, when I had one those “phases”. I don’t even remember it and he didn’t tell me. I only found out when my brother used it as an argument to have me committed.”

“You seem to be very sure despite what you just described that he will leave you.”

Jim shrugged. “I’m trying to be realistic.”

//////

He came home to find Sebastian correcting his thesis with a pencil.

“What are you doing?”

Sebastian gave him a look that clearly said “what does it look like?” “Your writing is still abysmal. How did you pass uni without me?”

“Spell-check”, he answered irritably. “Did you have a secret conference with my therapist?”

“No, why?”

“He said I should think about the plans I made before I got ill.”

“Sounds like a solid idea. So I’m going to make sure that this won’t embarrass you in the academic world because you can’t spell ‘coincidence’ right.” Sebastian grinned. “What were your other plans then? Apart from being the most menacing math professor ever?”

“Why are you so damn chirpy?” Jim demanded to know.

Sebastian hooked his fingers into Jim’s belt loops. “I got a new job.” He emphasised every word by pulling Jim closer until he was in Sebastian’s lap.

“You…what? I thought you said you wouldn’t –“ take that job because of me, he didn’t finish.

“I’m not. It’s a different job. It’s pretty new and they want me as team leader because of my experience. More of a desk job but the pay makes damn well up for that.” He was kissing the side of Jim’s neck, “so, what were your plans?”

“They involved fewer clothes”, Jim murmured, craning his neck to give Sebastian more access.

Sebastian hummed, “I like your plan.”

//////

Later when they were both naked and plastered against each other on the couch, Sebastian traced invisible patterns on Jim’s back. “Did I mention how much I like your plans?”

“Repeatedly”, Jim grinned, feeling happy and carefree in a way he hadn’t felt in months. “Care to tell me some more?” He asked, kissing Sebastian’s chest.

“You’re an insatiable creature.”

“Could be true or could be you”, Jim replied, fingers dancing down Sebastian’s stomach until Sebastian snatched them up with his own hand.

“We should get married.”

“What?”

“Why not?” Sebastian shrugged and laughed when he saw Jim’s face. “Okay, no, I should make this sound more romantic. Give me another chance before you say no, yeah?”

“Why would you want to marry me?”

“Honestly? I want to see the look on your brother’s face when we can wave that piece of paper in his face that says that I’m not going anywhere. Apparently having our names on the tenancy agreement and each other’s papers is not enough – and I’m not really good at selling this idea, to you, am I? I promise not to get started on the tax breaks, so, what do you say?”

“Marriage doesn’t have to be forever. There’s divorce.”

Sebastian laughed. “You haven’t even said yes yet and already planning to get rid of me. I’m definitely doing this wrong.”

“But I’m ill. Why would you want…why would you do this?”

“Jim, I’m not going anywhere. Unless you really, really want me to which I hope you don’t because it would break my heart”, Sebastian’s smile dimmed. “Look, it was just an idea. Forget it.”

“No! I was just surprised, that’s all. I thought about before but not after…after I got ill.”

“What can I say? I like my men Irish, dark haired and loony. Well, one man at least.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Crazy in love with you”, Sebastian winced almost immediately. “That was bad, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah”, Jim answered but couldn’t quite keep a smile off his face. “And yes.”

“Yes?” Sebastian asked just to make sure.

“Yes”, Jim repeated, kissing him. “You better not only doing to spite my brother.”

“No, I even got you a ring…only it’s in my jacket by the door so can I give it to you later when I feel more like getting up?”

Jim dropped his head against Sebastian’s chest. “This is the most unromantic proposal in the history of mankind.”

“I don’t know about that. I mean it worked, didn’t it?” Sebastian sounded quite satisfied with himself.

//////

Only most days weren’t like that. Most days weren’t spend with sex on the couch and unromantic marriage proposals. On most days Jim’s hands were shaking too much to even hold a cup of tea. He was too restless to sleep for more than an hour or two and he was barely eating enough to keep his weight.

And then there were days like these:

Jim snapped his pencil in two with a frustrated outcry. The jagged edges were biting into his palm but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Did you take your meds?” Sebastian asked although he already knew the answer.

“No!” Jim screamed, “they slow everything down. I can’t think when I take them. They make everything wrong! Nothing makes sense anymore.” He pushed the table over, everything clattering to the ground violently.

“Jim-“, Sebastian took a careful step forwards, “you need to calm down.”

“Why should I?” The crazy glitter was back in Jim’s eye. If Sebastian had ever had any doubts that Jim was off the meds here was his proof. “James will lock me up anyway. He’ll get me out of the way so that he can have you all for himself. He wants you. And you…you’ll leave! You’ll leave me and forget me.”

“You know that’s not true, Jim.” Part of Sebastian was relieved that Jim was at least partly in touch with reality. Once Jim had thought that he was a criminal mastermind and that Sebastian had been hired to kill him. He still hoped they would one day laugh about this story.

Sebastian locked his arms around Jim as soon as the tears started to come.

“Never”, he whispered into Jim’s hair. “Never, never, never”, in an endless repetition.

 


End file.
